When I sent my first daughter off to VPK (Voluntary Pre-Kindergarten), I was ready. Her sister was just 18 months, and I was so happy to have some “alone” time with the baby, who I had always juggled time with before. As I sent our big girl away to school every day, I was so proud of her. She was never scared, always independent, and loved learning.
But now it’s time for our baby to start pre-kindergarten five days a week, and I can’t help but feel the ache in my heart. She’s our last, I can’t have another baby due to not only our age, but the fact that I’ve been in menopause for what seems like forever. And she is the complete opposite of her sister, she does not like school.
“You mean I have to go every single day?” she asked exasperated. “But I want to be a mermaid when I growed up, I don’t need to learn for that!”
The conversations the week leading up to school didn’t go well. She didn’t understand why she had to go, and the closer we came to the first day of school I didn’t want to let her go. She’s my baby so full of joy, and I am going to miss her so much. The tears wouldn’t stop falling as I realized I no longer had her home with me four days a week.
Will she like it? Will she grow to love learning? Will she be OK?
Will I be OK?
After the years and years of struggling to conceive, we made a conscious choice for me to work part-time so I could raise our girls as much as possible. I stay home 3-4 days a week, and work around their schedules. They have been my primary job, and as the new school season begins, I’m left with time.
Time to think. Time to reflect. Time to figure out how to spend my time. Time to wonder who I am now.
The big irony in life for me, is that having children really ended up being the easiest part of raising them. Sleep training sure was horrible, potty training seemed never ending, but the here and now is the hardest part; unraveling the mystery of who I am supposed to be?
We all struggle with our identity and self-worth as we age. We gain wisdom with each gray hair, understanding the bigger picture as opposed to the minute details that used to ruffle us in the past. But now that our children are spending less time at home, I’m left with a gaping hole in my heart and my schedule, and not sure how to fill it.
Instead of succumbing to my insecurities, worries, and chatter in my head though, I retreated to our back porch. The sun had set and a storm was brewing and I did my favorite thing in the world…watch the rain. It was there that a sense of peace washed over me, one that felt like trust. Trust in that whatever is supposed to be is happening. Trust that each day will unfold and present my next purpose. Trust in myself and that my talents will lead me.
Just as our beautiful children walked so gracefully into their next grade and next school, so will I. I will follow their lead into the seemingly unknown, knowing fully that whatever comes next is where I’m supposed to be. Whether we’re ready or not life always evolves and changes, and it’s time to embrace this next chapter with open arms.
Beautiful post! And, with all of your talents, I have no doubt you’ll find plenty of ways to fill your time. It’s a hard shift when we start begging for time to slow down, because we know it won’t. Beautiful!
It IS a hard shift! And no, it never slows down!
My youngest is starting 2nd grade, and recently asked me if he could get the Discover card app so he could freeze time (like in the commercials). Little did he know HOW MUCH I WANT THAT APP TOO. Beautiful post 🙂
that’s hilarious!! And thank you!
A mermaid! That’s adorable.
Aw, I so get this and my baby starts 1st grade in about 2 weeks now and kindergarten and pre-school are totally behind us now. At the end of the school year last year, I took her ending kindergarten worse than her older sister, simply because she is my baby. So, with each milestone she achieves I know that this is truly it and won’t be going through it again with another. But I can attest that as emotional as it can be, it does get a bit easier with each passing day. Hugs and again though I do get it.
Kristen, I am in my last month of my forties (eeeek!) and I still don’t know who I am supposed to be. And I think that’s okay. YOU will be okay. And yes, the meno SUCKS. I had a particularly bad day yesterday and I’m convinced it will not ever end.
This will be me next year when Annelise starts kindergarten and I know it’s going to be SUCH a hard transition. “Mom” is what I’ve been and what I’ve wanted to be for so long and even though I know that will still be my primary job, I’ll be faced with so much more time than I had before.
I’m sure I’ll be running to you with all my questions and insecurities!
My baby just started second grade and I felt that pang when she said she didn’t want me to walk her to class. Her petite size makes her overcompensate with independence. We’ve been trying to have more children for 3 years and though I hold out hope, I can’t help but think our little kids days are behind us.
It won’t be long before you get into a work groove and wonder why it seems like the kids need to be picked up right after you drop them off. You’ll still be there for them, momma!
Someone once said to me that she evolves with each transition in life. Simple. True and frankly, quite factual. Though all these milestones come with great emotion and it can be tolling, it’s actually beautiful. We can open new doors, try new adventures and not judge ourselves because what we are doing is different and newer than what we used to do, right?
You do great /inspirational work in all aspects of your life…you’ve created unique and nurturing experiences for you kids, you provide thought-leadership for other broadcasters/younger generation folks and teach so many of us writers/bloggers/vloggers/social media hopefuls how to sketch out better business opps.
xoxo
I love you and miss talking to you!
Awww. Hugs to you and your daughter. Both my girls were so used to daycare that they have no problems going into new school years. But I know it’ll be much more difficult with the little one. I’m coming to believe that there most of us don’t have one “identity”. We all go through different phases in life. I’m sure that this next step in your journey will be exciting and fulfilling in ways you never expected.