After 40 years on this planet I’m fine with saying that resolutions usually don’t work for me. Sure I keep trying to lose those last 10 baby pounds 4 years later. Or keep my house clean. Or maybe even finally give up biting my nails, but the truth is nothing ever sticks. There’s something so invigorating about the fresh start of a new year – only to feel like a complete failure four days days later when you realize you’ve already broken that promise to yourself.
So this year I did something simple; vowed to give more compliments, and decided to focus on what really matters, our family and myself. Yes you heard me, 2016 I’m dubbing Operation Be Who You Want to Be.
I will be away from the blog as much as I can in January, and try to give some much needed attention to our girls and myself. I need some time to rest, relax, rejuvenate, and refocus on what I’d like our life to be. I don’t know if it’s my age change, or our girls getting older, but it feels like I’ve outgrown our life in some ways. But like many, I’m still not sure what I want to be when I grow up. My dreams keep changing, and right now those dreams are clouded by uncertainty. For a type A perfectionist, not knowing or controlling your life is agonizing, but the time has come to slow down.
The past six years I’ve been living in limbo, a part time mom, part time reporter, and part time writer. Prior to parenthood, it was several years of fertility treatment. In the midst of all this chaos of parenthood, work, and balance, I’ve forgotten to live. You know, do things that I love. Read, workout, bask in the warm Florida sun, see the sea, cook and bake healthy foods, travel, and just be happy. I also haven’t keep up with our home, or taken care of my daughter’s and my own ongoing health issues. The sh*t has hit the fan, literally. I haven’t shared the specifics, but for the past year our little one has boycotted the potty, and I have been working with a gastro and behaviorist to try to calm her fears.
So over winter break it was time to make some changes.
The shift inside of me was growing so loudly I couldn’t ignore it anymore. It’s time to slow down and finally listen to myself. What is it that I truly love and makes me happy? How can I live the truest most authentic life, and really model that I am being who I want to be? These are things we talk about with our daughters, but how can I show and tell them to be themselves, if I’m living my life for others?
The next few weeks feel scary yet exciting as I’ve turned down several opportunities involving this site. Sure I’ll still be working HEAT games, and doing small work projects here and there, but for the most part I will be home with our girls. I have started on a new journey to be who I want to be, and there’s no going back now.
I can’t wait to see what unfolds during this month. What creative use I find for the time I would normally write, how my relationships change with the kids, and where this will lead. I was telling a friend recently that I never had maternity leave, I went back to work after I had our first at six weeks postpartum, and three weeks with our second. That’s how the freelance sports world is, and both of them came mid-season! So this sort of feels like my time to finally just be.
Be who I want to be.
Can’t wait to find out who she is.