This post was originally published on Mom Babble.
What if I just died?
I was sitting on the floor of my shower, dazed and feeling utterly alone. I knew something was wrong.
I was scared to tell my husband that the thought had crossed my mind, but after five long months of not sleeping, I knew I needed help. Who knew sleep deprivation could drive you to the brink, and make you completely terrified of your sweet miracle baby?
Our daughter Lila was a product of in vitro. Her story of conception is a long one of seven years and many surgeries. The pregnancy was difficult, also: vomiting for the first 20 weeks, injections, low amniotic fluid, and eight weeks of pregnancy-induced hypertension which ended in Lila arriving five weeks early. I had a botched epidural (they nicked my spinal column, resulting in a blood patch), and my preemie daughter was taken to the NICU with lungs that weren’t yet fully formed.
They say traumatic births cause a higher incidence of postpartum depression, and it took a psychologist less than ten minutes to declare that I had postpartum anxiety disorder.
“You need to sleep,” she said.
At five months old, Lila was still waking every two hours. She was a dream come true, but she had acid reflux and rarely slept. Anxiety pulsed through my body like an electric current and I could never seem to relax. I would wait up all night for her to wake, too afraid to fall asleep because I thought I wouldn’t hear her. Lying awake all night had become maddening and I was terrified I would never sleep again.
That morning in the shower I felt like I was losing my mind. I knew I wasn’t myself, and that we couldn’t carry on like this much longer. As I sat there feeling the hot water wash away my endless tears, I made the decision to finally make a change. I needed to do more than just survive, I needed to live again.
Since my husband travelled often for work, we had no family nearby, and anti-anxiety meds didn’t work for me…we decided to sleep train. Some think sleep training is barbaric for the baby, but we didn’t agree. We knew that we were teaching her to be an independent sleeper, a skill necessary for every child to learn. So we did what most people do when looking for an answer… we consulted books.
We tried Ferberizing which was really hard for us and didn’t work, and then I sat by her crib and tried the Baby Whisperer “shh pat” method desperate for her to sleep. Of course that didn’t work either. Then one morning I saw a segment on the Today Show about a sleep training company…BINGO! We called Dream Team Baby and they put Lila on a schedule, instructed us to use black out shades and a white noise machine, and encouraged us to introduce a lovey that smelled like me. Then we did it, we put her to sleep awake with a full tummy at 7:00pm. No more rocking, no more singing, no more relying on mommy to coax her to dreamland.
Yes there was crying involved, and we could go in if we needed to calm her, but we didn’t have to. After just two nights she was sleeping 12 straight blissful hours, and rocking was a thing of the past. Lila could finally self soothe, and I could finally get some sleep. Ironically it took me more than a couple of months to re-train myself how to sleep through the night.
We later learned at age four that Lila had sensory issues, and transitions, especially different bedtimes, were tough and triggered negative behavior. She was exhibiting the need for a schedule as an infant, but we never understood her.
I’ve shared my story of sleep training on Bundoo and received extremely negative feedback on social media. Why? Because we allowed our baby to cry. To those that oppose sleep training, I say to each their own. There is no right way to raise a child, only what’s right for your family…period.
Sleep training our first baby in some ways saved my life…and my sanity. And it gave us each life skills that are invaluable. She learned to be an independent sleeper and I learned to believe in myself and gained more self-confidence as a woman and a mother. Who knows what would have happened to me if I didn’t ask for help? My hope in writing this if there is a mom out there that is scared, and beyond exhausted and needs help, she will ask for it. And she will learn that it’s OK to put your needs first for the better of you and your child.
There are no cry methods, there are modify cry it out ways, there’s so many different options to help you get your child to sleep. But crying won’t break your child like so many claim. My healthy, happy, thriving six year old is living proof.
She is loved, she is cherished, and finally….so am I.
*Please note our child was 5 months old, and over 12 pounds in weight when we decided to sleep train. Our pediatrician both recommended this, and agreed 12 hours was fine without a feeding at this age.
I think it is important to do what is best for you and your family. Every child, every mother, every situation is different. It is so important to take care of yourself!!
We did sleep training with our first. It wasn’t easy but we stuck with it. For me at the time I was working full time and I was desperate for sleep when Chase would wake frequently. I felt like a zombie and needed to do something! I do not regret it one bit!
With my second…yeah, I co slept instead and this was a choice that was right for us the second time around.
Love the first pic of you and your daughter!
No matter how much you wish for something, sometimes you’re just not prepared for all the wonderful things that come along with it.
I’ve always believed that mothers don’t get the help or we asked the right questions when they go for their first check up after the birth of their child. Oftentimes we’re asked if we want to hurt our child, and the truth is, we think of hurting ourselves before laying a hand on our little one.
After the birth of my son, I had help. We had family nearby. Now, pregnant and raising a toddler, I only have my husband to rely on and he works several hours a week.
I think it’s critical for new moms to have extra hands and someone to open up to who won’t judge them.
Glad you were able to seek help in your time of need.
I’ve got a 12-month old that still wakes every two hours. I can’t stand to hear her cry and I worry about her waking up the other kids. I am really ready to get her on track though… I NEED sleep!
Hi Krystal! I put white noise machines in all the other kids rooms so they can’t hear the baby crying at night. at 12 months she totally doesn’t need food, it’s comfort. How you choose to react is totally up to you. I highly recommend the book “The Dream Sleeper” by Connor Herman, and The Baby Whisperer. My first child I sleep trained. My 2nd baby I put down awake from day 1, she slept 12 hours by 11 weeks. It worked for me. I wrote this article to dispel the myths that sleep training will cause irreparable harm.
It’s funny to me when people are so quick to judge other people’s parenting methods. Every child is different, so they need different methods! My daughter sleep trained like a dream! My son, not so much! If we had another, we would try sleep training them too.
I’m glad you found a method that worked for you…sleep can be the root of all “evil”..one their end and ours! Thankfully I’ve never had CRAZY sleep issues with mine..these days it’s a more stay in your own bed issue! LOL!
I liked this one when it was up on Mom Babble! I really think you have to do what’s best for your family. Lack of sleep can seriously take it’s toll. I also read that women tend to be more affected by lack of sleep than men. I wonder why women are the breastfeeders?! My son was the absolute WORST sleeper his first year. We did a modified version of sleep training and while it still took him a year to sleep through the night, he did learn how to put himself to sleep. He is now a good sleeper. We’ll see how my daughter fares!
I sleep-trained my daughter and I’m so glad we did it. It helped us and it definitely helped her! She’s a happy, well-adjusted toddler now who still continues to (mostly) sleep great. (Except, of course, for last night, when she insisted on sleeping in my bed!)
We didn’t need to sleep train, but if we had needed to, we would have. Your method sounds gentle, and more importantly, necessary.
People feel the need to criticize and shame, and that is SO all about them and not you. It’s sickening.. but.. look at your beautiful family. The proof is there.
Looking into Dream Team Baby stat! My 2 year old is still killing me!! I’m exhausted!
We are big believers in CIO, despite what anyone says. My parents let me cry, and nothing bad came of it. I remember my son crying as a baby and I took him out of his crib and back onto the living room floor, and I watched him… and realized he was miserable, because he was exhausted. He didn’t want to be awake… but he didn’t know how to fall asleep. So I let him cry, and those periods of crying shortened each night until he was soon on a reasonable sleep schedule. He was happier, I was healthier, and we were all more functional (also important since I had an older child to care for as well). Each family needs to do what’s right for them! I’m glad it all worked out for you 🙂
We sleep trained my first and it was amazing! We’re still rocking the second one to sleep.. And we’re exhausted. We have to do something… But we’re exhausted! Haha! Maybe next weekend we’ll get him sleep trained!
This is beautifully honest. I think otherwise will feel liberated reading this. My first form of mommy judgement came when I shared my daughter wasn’t sleeping through the night. The second way I got sideways comments was when I said I was going to do something about it…
Love this post ❤️
I was too chicken to sleep train. My colicky son already cried all the time so I knew the crying wouldn’t kill him. But I was afraid it might kill me 😉 It took a long time but my kids finally learned to fall asleep on their own. I know many who have sleep trained their kids and I truly believe that every family is different. The philosophy that the parents choose embodies the methods that work best for them as a family. I’m glad it worked and you were able to get sleep. Ignore the judgement. The ignorance and closed minded people are rampant on social media.
i’m a big “sleep train” proponent. i’m also a proponent of – do what works for you. one size never fits all! you’re lovely and doing everything right (for you)!
I seriously didn’t know about sleep training and now, it’s too late, lol!
I have always co-slept with my babies since the day they were born. For me, this works best. I find that when they can feel me, smell me, hear me and see me….they are comforted. Plus, it makes nursing so much easier, just to roll over and nurse. Then baby goes right back to sleep, and so do I. People always asked me “aren’t you exhausted? the baby is just a newborn, you must not be getting much sleep.” But I always got plenty of sleep when the babies are right there next to me. I know everyone needs to do what works best for them. The CIO method is something I’d have to be really desperate to do. I’d do it, if it meant my mental, physical and emotional health. But I’ve never felt the need to do it. Some can’t sleep well with a baby next to them. For me, it’s almost the opposite. I am much more relaxed and sleep better when the baby is right there next to me. No need for monitors or video cams — I can look at my baby right there in the bed to check on him 🙂
Thanks for writing such a thoughtful comment though you have a completely different viewpoint. Yes, I ‘m totally the opposite of you. The sounds our babies made kept me up all night and really rattled me. I wish it could have been different. With our 2nd baby though I did nurse her at the 4-5am waking and just leave her with me to co-sleep until we all woke for the day. That was really nice!
Good for you. You have to do what is best for your family, and I’m sorry that other people tried to make you feel like you should feel guilty for that. Moms cannot take care of anyone unless they take care of themselves, and I’m glad that you found a way to do that.
So sorry to hear all the negativity you’ve received for sleep training your child. Sometimes you do what you have to do just to preserve your own sanity, and that’s what it sounds like you did. Total sleep deprivation is no way to live. It sounds like you’ve loved your daughter in every way possible.
This is a very encouraging post. My husband and I are expecting our first baby in late spring of next year, so I’m fairly early in my pregnancy. But there are a lot of things that we have been thinking about. One thing we know for sure is teaching our children how to be independent. As for the people who have given you negative feedback… well… everybody thinks they know better than you. But as long as you do what’s best for you and your family’s wellbeing, it doesn’t matter what other people think. Be Blessed! Jennifer
Congrats on your first baby! I’m sure you will get loads of advice, but trusting your gut is all that matters!
Congratulations!! I still remember how frustrated I was when sleep training my daughter, Emily. It was one hell of an experience that you can’t forget 🙂
Thank you!
great