It happened about eight years too soon in my opinion. She uttered the quiet yet explosive phrase that cut through me like a knife early one Saturday morning during an epic tantrum.
Lila woke before the sun and we had company staying with us that I didn’t want her to disturb. She flat out refused to change out of her pullup, and after throwing her pajamas at me, I quietly told her she lost iPad privileges for the day. Her response?
Seething she whispered, “I hate you.”
I sucked in a breath, glared at her, and walked away. I thought to myself over and over “don’t react, she’ll know she got to you. If you make it a big deal she’ll say it again.” But really, I had no idea what to do or say. So I let her cry in the bathroom,
And I cried too. Just a few tears before I composed myself. How could this sweet child who I went through hell to conceive hate me already? I understand change is hard for her, as she has sensory issues; she is sleeping in a different bed, staying up late, and is frustrated and overtired. But nothing can excuse talking to a parent that way…or saying the worst 4-letter-word.
After she screamed and cried for about twenty minutes she eventually got dressed. I had a talk with her about the word hate. I told her she can tell me she’s angry, tell me why she’s frustrated or doesn’t want to do what I ask, but in the end I’m the parent. I explained that words hurt. She was so very sorry it broke my heart.
Afterwards I had no idea if the way I responded to the situation was right or wrong. Was there some other way to help her deal with her anger? So I did what most of us do in the social media age…I took it to Facebook and received some amazing advice from so many wise bloggers and friends.
This was one of my favorite responses from Tammy Doiel of Creative K Kids.
The perfect words for this situation and our family.
Alicia from Adventures in Naptime also helped out, sending me this article aptly titled When Your Child Screams I Hate You.
I feel thankful to all in the blogging community for this wonderful advice, and am grateful I know how to handle it if and when it happens in the future. What did I learn from this?
- Words hurt more deeply than anything in the world. I will be more careful with mine.
- Five year olds have big feelings, and need help learning how to cope with them.
- There is no perfect way to handle each parenting situation, trust your intuition.
- I am so not ready for the teen years.
I hear kids have little problems when they are little, I don’t even want to know what big problems lie ahead. I just hope that loving them will get them through. And a little Pinot Grigio will help me!
Wonderful post. Yes, words really hurt. I’ve had my six year old say the same thing – did it ever cut deep.
Children need to know that their words have power and they need to be responsible for them. I really agree with the Facebook response you shared. Children need to be encouraged to express their anger and frustration but need to be taught how to do so… even giving them examples of things they could say if they can’t think of it on their own. i.e. “I’m mad because you took away the iPad today. That’s not fair.”
I have learned that as hard as it is, we need to be thankful for even these moments we have with our children. They are “testing this stuff out on us”. I would much rather have my child try this and demonstrate this at home with me so that I can help correct it… as opposed to her going out into the world and encountering a heck of a mess because of something she said or did without thought. Does that make any sense?
Thanks for sharing. Hugs to you.
xoxo
It does make sense Jennifer and thank you for your thoughtful comment. As heartbreakibg the moment may have been – we both learned something from it. Let’s hope we can postpineit for awhile though!
I am dreading this moment. My son hasn’t said it yet, instead when I tell him something he doesn’t likes he says, “Mommy, you broke my heart.” 🙁
I’ve heard that one too Lauren! The struggles are no fun.
Oh – the worst! My boys have yet to say those exact words BUT, Miles said “I really wish you would just go on a LONG bike ride.” Yep. Not good. My response? “Me too!” Also not good but honest. Parenting is too hard!!! 🙂
Yeah that would hurt too! And good for you, I probably would have said the same thing!
Scarlet has called me stupid before. That made me cry in the bathroom for sure. She did apologize on her own, not long after, and I was happy she showed wisdom and empathy at her young age.
I realize it will happen again and that time was a bit of a freebie – she came around on her own. Although I did have to talk to her about hurting words.
Big problems do lie ahead for us, huh?
Eek. I’m just going to enjoy the now!
Awww…she’s a sensitive soul like her mama! You bought her two kittens, you should be good for a while!
Total non sequitur, here, but my mom is a huge fan of the Pino, too; but I digress…
Okay, now back on track: I’m so sorry that you experienced this, Kristen. I’ve got nothin’ at this point, as I haven’t walked in your stilettos on this one — mine are younger than yours.
Just wanted to give you a {hug}.
xo
Thanks Courtney, we all have our parenting issues to bear. I’m glad its over though…for now!
I’m not looking forward to the teen years, either!
My niece is like a daughter to me. Her whole life (she’s almost 12) her mom has been really unstable and not really there for her, so I stepped in as much as I could, and two years ago we were very blessed to have her move in with us. Under one condition, at any time Papa could take her away (He technically has custody). About six months ago she said the worst thing I could imagine: “I don’t want to live here anymore, I hate you.” That stung. I did the only thing I could think to do to show her that behavior would not work on me and to call her bluff. I told her that I guess she needed to call Papa. She said she wanted to calm down first and when I asked her if she was ready to call him 20 minutes later, she said: “No, I don’t want to move, I was just angry and wanted to hurt you.” which opened up a whole conversation that basically came around to the advice you received. Thanks for this post, it’s nice to know we’re not alone when dealing with issues like this.
When my kids did it, my response was
Well, I love you, but right now I’m not very happy with you.
Being told they are loved – even when they are throwing a tantrum – seemed to answer all my kids needs. My neighbors used similar tactics.
No long discussions, no long worries about Did I do the right thing? Just remind them that they are loved.
I think you handled it appropriately, at that age feelings and emotions are so big and hard to contain. I am sorry she has said it to you already 🙁
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I’ve had lots of, “You’re mean!” but no “I hate you!”…yet!!
Lucky you…you must be nicer than me!!!