Disclaimer: This blog post is part of a paid Megan Media and Dove blogging program. The opinions and ideas expressed here are my own.
Dove launched the #MyBeautyMySay campaign to inspire and empower women to rise above beauty being used against them. They believe that incessant commentary and judgment focused on how women look is deeply ingrained into daily life. And whether or not it is intentional, it ends up limiting women. This is my story.
They taunt me every time I enter the room, tucked neatly in their see-through bin, right on the shelf next to the free weights and my yoga mat. They live in the guest room closet, the room we use as a playroom and workout room, and as I climb onto the elliptical machine they are always in view. I didn’t mean to put them there; it was the only place the bin fit. After seven years, I wondered this morning: why are they still here?
I wasn’t always thin, quite the opposite actually. I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life. I started off smaller, then went through the chunky tween and teen years. They always said I was chubby but cute, and I would grow out of it. And indeed I did. But appearance was always talked about in our house. With a mom and grandmother who were hairdressers, I was a Guinea pig for the latest perms and hairstyles, and everyone’s clothing choice, hairstyle, and weight were always topics of conversation.
I grew taller and leaner in high school, right when the braces came off. The “poof” bangs were replaced with long silky hair, and I grew into myself and my voice, singing in the chorus and playing the piano. I loved to perform. After college I worked at Sunshine Network (now Fox Sports) and met “the one.” I moved to South Florida for him and felt lonely. He traveled frequently and I had a hard time making friends with all the men at the sports network, so I ate.
And ate, and ate.
Rare photo I allowed to be taken, I always stood sideways and tried to cover my hips.
Food was my comfort, my friend, and ultimately my enemy. At my highest I was 155 pounds. I felt awful when I looked in the mirror. Skinny to me meant beautiful. That’s what the world had taught me. So as age 30 approached, I decided I needed to change. I had to be skinny again, and I had to meet my goal in that very last year of my 20’s.
I worked harder than I ever had, striving to achieve the perfect body. I ate a meager 1,000 calories, worked out two hours every day, and went from a size 12 to a size 4. At my lowest, I weighed 118 pounds. I was emaciated and hungry, but finally getting the attention I craved. That admiration filled me up, and I mustered the confidence to try out for an on camera job, and got it.
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Once I was working on camera, I needed them. You know, the expensive designer jeans all the other women wore. 7 For All Mankind, Joe’s Jeans, Blue Cult, I finally had enough money to buy them, and they all fit me for the first time in my life. I was on top of the world. I could bare my belly and wear belts without worrying about any curves or bulges…it was heaven!
But the funny thing about weight is, no matter how much or how little of it you have, or how much you lose or gain or fluctuate, the emotions are always there, picking at your insecurities. The voices in your head, those things people said about you in your past. You still hear them, even when you think you’ve forgotten.
After I had my two babies, I still held on to those jeans. They were relics, symbols of my past beauty. I had disposed of the other “skinny clothes,” but never the jeans. Seven years of fertility treatments, shots, and surgeries, coupled with early menopause had a funny way of changing my body, and a part of me always thought, “I’ll get back into them someday, I have to.” To me they signified beauty, the time when I was at my best. They were what society told me I had to be: perfect, skinny, pretty, and happy.
But this morning, something snapped in my brain. I didn’t look at the clear bin longingly. Instead I felt guilt, then anger. I felt the burden those jeans had brought me every time I saw them, and I wanted them gone from the house, and gone from my thoughts.
Seeing the jeans every day was a constant reminder of how I used to look, and how I may never look that way again. But today I decided, that’s OK. I said goodbye to my past and threw away the jeans. I threw away those thoughts that skinny equals pretty. Purging those jeans made me realize that those may have been my best years physically, but in my present moment, I am truly at my best. I am happier in ways much more deep and meaningful than any pair of jeans could ever make me.
I’m a mother, a wife, a journalist, a writer, and a real woman with real curves. I have scars from my multiple laparoscopies. I have cellulite. I have my baby hips, and puffy tummy that I hide beneath spanx. But I’m still beautiful.
I AM ENOUGH.
I am so inspired by the new #MyBeautyMySay campaign. All of Dove’s body-positive messages are so empowering, but this one really hit close to home for me. In the video, the women talk about everything they’ve been told they can’t do because of their looks. They said I was too pretty to fight. They said I didn’t dress for my age. They said I was too masculine. They said I was too fat.
My weight has been my hindrance for almost my entire life, because they say skinny is beautiful. But I say we’re all beautiful, despite what they say.
Give the video a watch. I hope you will be as touched as I was
Did you like this post? Then you will love this one about teaching our daughter about self love. Don’t forget to follow along on Facebook and You Tube!
Jeans never fit me right. Boyfriend jeans, boot-cut jeans, capris… You name it, I’ve tried it. I gave away my last pair of jeans after the birth of our first son. It wasn’t worth trying to look “great” anymore when I needed to learn how to love myself before focusing on this new lifestyle. It’s been so rewarding to just appreciate who I am.
I love that you’re not afraid to admit that you wear spandex. Not being afraid to show who you are is what makes you beautiful.
Great share, well written… for me, I’ve held onto my jeans after 2 kids thinking I’d fit back into them and I haven’t yet cuz I’m a little thicker and the shape has changed!! It may be time to toss mine too, they just sit there and look at me…
I finally got rid of my skinny jeans earlier this year… I had been holding onto them since having Hudson! The kon mari book finally gave me the push to just toss them. I will never fit back into them and that is totally okay! (& I think you look fabulous anyway!)
I need to finish that Kon Mari stuff! Procrastinating!
Again, absolutely beautiful and powerful words. I know this feeling well here, too. I was always skinny and petite, but after having kids my weight has fluctuated While I may not be overweight by any means, my body is most definitely different and not the same from before having children. So my pre-pregnancy clothes (jeans included) no longer fit or comfortable they way they once were. Loved the reminder though that no matter this or anything else, we all are beautiful no matter what. Hugs and thank you for this!! <3
OMG what a fab post! You”re so right, it’s funny how a pair of clothing can make A’s feel anything from amazing to darn right ugly! I couldn’t wait after having the kids to fit back into my fav skinny jeans to only find that not only had I lost the weight but my whole body shape had changed anyway so it was pointless! Got me really down for a while but just goes to show how much pressure society puts on women as a whole!!
And the pressure we put on ourselves!
Love this. It’s hard for me to get rid of things, and it’s been even harder for me to be comfortable with my body. I’m finally getting there, as I think it gets easier with age to just accept this is how it’s going to be….and it’s great!
Aw, what an amazing post! I hold on to an old pair of jeans from when I was 14. It’s so weird to keep them, but they remind me of buying them in a beautiful market in Florence, Italy, and wearing them through my skinniest high school days. They still fit as tight as they ever did, so I don’t wear them, but maybe my kids will want them some day. Isn’t it neat how clothes can be so meaningful sometimes?
I cried reading this. I have been battling 20 lbs that I’ve put on since my first baby. I have tried to ignore the numbers on the scale but right now I even feel unhealthy and I don’t like it. I’m trying to get fit in a way that’s healthy (mentally, emotionally, and physically). I’m trying not to cling to numbers but I do want to see progress.
I can identify with your point to let go of those relics – I’ve done it. Heck, if I wanted to fit into a pair of pre-pregnancy jeans, it would probably never happen – I have woman (I had 2 babies) curves that won’t go away… and I’m okay with that.
Very thought-provoking Kristen!
Thanks for sharing.
xoxo
Oh I’m with you. It’s SO hard to accept, but we are not our thoughts!
Beautiful mama!! My skinny days are long gone but I’m ok with that right now.
You looked gorgeous in each and every one of these photos and your words probe you’re even more beautiful on the inside!
Thank you friend, sincerely.
Well said! I have a few “inspiration pants” I keep that haven’t fit since before my first child was born. I keep them in hopes that “someday” I’ll lose enough weight to fit back into them. On one hand, I have a lot of memories in those pants. On the other hand, I have plenty more memories to make in the ones that fit me now. Thanks for sharing this! 🙂
Aww, well keep them if you love them!
This is beautiful 🙂 I have ‘those’ jeans too- tucked away in a bin. Maybe i need to toss them <3
Ha! Be who you want to be!
Amen sister! You preach it! I was actually just thinking along these same lines this week, since I am nearer to the Four -Oh than I was last year. Anyways, I am much more than I was a decade ago, but perhaps some might consider it less. I don’t. I have accomplished some awesome possum things in these last several decades and have the bruises, scars and body bumps to prove it!
Well written post and really eye-opening! Thanks a lot!
I’ve found that whenever I attain what I *think* will make me happy (thinner thighs, a toned belly, even things unrelated to how I look… the latest gadget or fashion) I realize that there’s something else I start thinking isn’t enough (my skin is blotchy, I need another new thing, etc.). Contentment, regardless of where we find ourselves, is such an important thing to learn. I think it helps to remember that everyone, even the women we think look perfect, have insecurities and areas that they want to change. Great post!
Thank you!
Yoga pants are what is in style now anyways 😛 There was just a segment on GMA about “Mom-bods” and how we need to be proud of what we have because look at what we brought into this world. For what it is worth, I threw my jeans away too!!
YAY! Proud of you!
Oh I wish I would have seen that on GMA!!
The most rewarding knowledge I have gained in life is that every phase of life brings a change to our bodies, mind and spirit we were created to evolve. No one ever stays the same we have to learn to be grateful and appreciated the different phases of life. Remember that beauty is a state of mind no matter what no says, you must feel beauty inside and out.
I love this Eunice, thank you for sharing. Such a beautiful point of view.
Such a beautiful post, Kristen! I got rid of my old jeans awhile back. Not gonna lie. I still wish they fit. BUT…that’s not me, at this point in my life, and oh well. I’d rather be comfortable in clothes that fit than miserable trying to fit into something from a past life. And so. Comfy jeans for me! 🙂
Really love this. Sharing everywhere.
me too Carrie, it was hard to get rid of them but life-changing too!
What an inspiring story. Women are all beautiful – regardless of the shape and sizes.. You do you, girl!
AMEN!!!
This hit me hard! I want to go in the closet right now and get rid of my jeans too!
Oh I hope you did and are feeling ok?
Thank you for sharing your journey. As women, we beat ourselves up so much for not being perfect and skinny, and you are right, no matter how skinny we become it’s never enough. I’ve been heavier. I’ve been thinner and at every single stage I find something that is wrong with my body.
Congrats for tossing those jeans and loving who you are right now.
Love this outlook and just the idea that you posted about this struggle. I ran across a TON of moms when I started talking about finally decluttering and getting rid of all my old clothes. I think so many women, moms or not, hold onto high school and college clothes just with this idea that we want to be able to see ourselves in them again (even though we probably wouldn’t actually wear them even if they did fit). I finally hit the same point you did and gave it all away. It was so relieving and truly felt like a weight lifted.
Thank you so much for your comment, I feel the same way!
This post really resonates with me. My family definitely equates dress/pant size to a person’s value. No matter how often I try to tell myself otherwise, there’s always a small part of me that feels that I need to be skinny to be worthwhile. So glad to see that you’ve found a way to free yourself of that mindset. Healthy really is better than skinny.