I was recently published on Scary Mommy in what I thought was one of my finest blog posts of my budding internet writing career entitled…Things I Never Thought I’d Say. Was it poetic prose? No. Was it uplifting and inspirational? Uhhh…nope. It was indeed things that come out of my mouth on a daily basis that absolutely perplex me, and literally leave me shaking my head. Our beautiful children have turned me into a total mom-ster, to the point where my husband chastised me today for in fact, sounding like a mom.
ME: “If you break anything in this house from that helicopter flying around…I am soooo not cleaning it up. Please take it outside.”
HUSBAND: “Stop being such a mom. (crash, boom, crying and wailing ensues as the remote control helicopter hits our daughter.)
ME: (Perfect Claire Huxtable one eyebrow raised stare) “Outside. Now!”
Since that post graced the internet just a couple weeks ago, I have found myself uttering even more ridiculous phrases. I thought I would share just a few more, and some of my favorite awesome-sauce comments that were left on Scary Mommy’s site. The internet is a fun place ya’ll….
THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY – PART 2
- “Get off the pole!” – Yeah, I said it to a five year old. She has a four poster bed, and likes to dance on it all day long, but especially after bath time. As Chris Rock says, our one job is to keep them off the pole.
- “Stop shaking your booty butt, and pull your dress down now.” – (Through gritted teeth at Target). Who taught my 2 1/2 year old the phrase booty butt? And why must she lift her dress in public and shake it at me? At least we stopped the mooning phase…you’d think they grew up watching Animal House.
- “Don’t play in the litter box, oh my god there’s poop in there!” – She thought it was like a sandbox apparently and enjoyed the texture. I need to invest in a water and sand table pronto.
- “That’s mud, stop eating it now!” – As I was throwing up in my mouth, in the middle of a parking lot. WTH?
- “You know what, (crazy sound effects and Elsa hand movements) now neither of you have ice powers anymore!! If you can’t play nicely, then you don’t get to have magic!!” – And you know what the funny part was, they both cried that I took away their magical ice powers. Our oldest wailed “I want to have the most ice powers, that’s not fair that you took them away.” Are you freaking kidding me?
Now it’s time for my favorite comments that were left on Scary Mommy’s site in response to my post. I loved them all, but these take the cake!
- “Don’t try to feed the cat your penis!” – Lawry
- “Stop licking your armpit” – Michaela Lowe Wesson
- “Stop drinking the bath water. (It’s like fine wine to them.)” – Corey Wisneski
- “Good job, you pooped a nickel.” – Carrie Shultz Kolar
- “You have glitter on your penis.” – Tabatha A Carlson
That last one had me laughing so hard I almost peed my pants! Thanks to everyone that wrote in – and to all of my awesome friends and followers of this site. And of course thanks to Jill, the originator of Scary Mommy. Now tell me….