Our five year old came home after her first month of Kindergarten with some pretty spiffy new hand signals she learned at school. She was so excited to share them with me, she couldn’t speak fast enough when she launched into this demonstration of what I like to call her Kindergarten gang signs:
Thumbs up means I like you.
Thumbs down means I don’t like you.
Sideways thumbs means I’m thinking about being your friend again.
And a two-handed diamond means your my best friend. My BBF.”
I think she meant BFF. Lila further went on to explain who liked her and who didn’t, as she was buckling herself into her booster at pickup after school. All with a smile I might add. I turned back to look at her while in the car line and gaped open mouthed at what I’d just heard. Is this happening already? Did she turn 10 and I missed the past five years? I couldn’t believe this…do mean girls really exist? I mean I know they exist…but in freaking Kindergarten?!
I asked her how it made her feel to learn that these two little girls didn’t like her, and she said, “sad I guess.” Then shrugged. I promptly turned into my mother,
Actually my mom used to say the standard, “If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all,” but this at least made Lila giggle. “You can’t put a zipper on your lips!” Then we talked about being polite. I told her that if someone said something mean to her to just walk away. And even if there is someone you don’t really like, it’s best to just keep quiet. (Hear that twitter?!) I also very definitively preached that we don’t make those hand signs…ever. And if she sees someone doing it to her, to say, “Please don’t do that, it’s not nice to tell someone you don’t like them.”
It’s so funny to me how this school thing with my daughter evokes so many memories of my childhood. I was instantly transported to Brownies in second grade when I experienced my first mean girl. A little girl named Cara was making a ‘Like/Hate’ list of all the girls in our troop. I remember being on the ‘Hate’ list, and how rejected I felt.
I’m sure at age five, the hand signals weren’t meant to be mean or vindictive. Young children change their minds all the time about who their friends are. And I honestly don’t think Lila took it that way considering she was smiling when she showed me the new secret code. Maybe the girls that taught this to her have older siblings, or maybe they spend a lot of time away from her parents who both work. But I had to reinforce our rules that we don’t say mean things to people…ever.
I eventually emailed her teacher after a few days of hearing reports of who un-friended her on a daily basis. She was receptive and agreed that she needed to reinforce not using the hand signals, and she even introduced a lesson in respect. Of course teachers can’t control everything that happens in the cafeteria and on the playground though. And so it begins…real life.
I knew someday we’d deal with clique’s and self-esteem, the cool kids and the outcasts, but I honestly didn’t think it would happen in Kindergarten. It was only a few months ago when we were in a small private preschool, a loving and nurturing environment, where playing and learning was the focus, not who dislikes you. Though I’m disappointed that this has happened already, it is a good lesson.
I recently read this awesome article in Huffington Post that totally sums up how I feel about this situation – and what we as parents can do to model better behavior. Thumbs up or thumbs down? (See what I did there?)
It’s definitely a whole new ball game when they get in school and you don’t get to choose their friends anymore. I’m thankful that I haven’t come across any kids yet that I don’t want mine hanging around with, but hopefully the lessons we teach our kids now will help them when they encounter those not so nice kids.
We started to see a bit of it in preschool. Girls saying, “You’re not my friend anymore!” There hasn’t been any trouble in kindergarten… yet.. but I do see the older girls walking around the school, acting like they’re 15. Scary.
I don’t think Scarlet has what it takes to be a mean girl. I really don’t. I’m sure she will be on the receiving end of them, as we all are at some point.
It makes me crazy!
Really, preschool? It’s all happening too fast!
I know what you mean!! No hand signals, but I get daily reports on who likes who and who the “bad kids” are and who’s annoying my son at lunch and…it’s exhausting! I keep telling him to play nice with everyone and be kind even if he doesn’t like someone. I am hoping it sticks.
It seems worse with girls though…let me know when you figure it out so I know what to do when my daughter starts kindergarten!
It really breaks my heart – but I think at this age they don’t truly understand how much saying it can hurt someone later on. I think if we model good behavior, don’t say mean things…they will get it!
Isn’t it weird how early that stuff starts?!
right?
After seeing my girls and my son go through school, it really is different for boys and girls. Girls can be really mean, boys just tell others off and then can be best friends by the end of the day or they just completely avoid those they dislike and it seems to be ok with all involved. With girls it is so much more emotionally driven and it’s just awful. It gets worse as they get older, but your plan for dealing with it is spot on.
Good luck and hugs to your cutie as she deals with this!
ughh.. this is the worst. Once our neighbors went through a phase where they wouldnt say hi to my son when they were AT school, yet they would come over our house to play every. single. day. after school. I decided to keep my lip ‘zipped’ and eventually they warmed up to him at school.. and he never even let it bother him too much when it was happening. I was hurt more by it. lol
That’s so weird, I’m hoping we can all become more well behaved parents I suppose!
Ugh, we had to deal with a lot of the friending and un-friending in Pre-K last year. I hated it. It’s good to know that your daughter’s teacher was so receptive to your email and really took it to heart. On another note…bravo for raising your daughter to be so good about brushing it off!
Let’s hope it stays that way Leslie!
This brought up so many bad memories! I don’t re been this starting as early as kindergarten though! Sheesh. Kudos to you for telling your daughter not to do those hands signs. If mean girls start young, so can rising about the fray!
Thanks Kristen! It’s a hard lesson to learn for sure!
and it gets worse as the years go by. i’m stressed about when social media & texts enter the picture. that’s a beast. i wrote about it this week in my blog because i’m already scared of what that will bring!!
I should have warned you about this. It’s not only girls though. I went through the thumbs up/thumbs down, you’re my friend/You’re not my friend thing with Adrian in Kindergarten. I believe it toughened him up a bit. He’s in second now and could care less who is his friend and who isn’t. I would explain to him and Amberly and Gian that not everyone is going to like you and it’s ok. However, you do not disrespect anyone EVER! It’s a constant lesson!.
Good to know Ida! Thanks for the advice!
It’s so sad that this happens so young. I want to say unbelievable in a “shake my head” way but I know it’s believable because 12 years ago when my daughter was in preschool this was happening. I remember her and this other little girl, clearly the leaders in the class, and clearly at odds with personality, squaring off. There was an argument and an altercation. I was appalled. The head teacher told me not to worry, she’d take care of it…and that the other girl most likely had provoked mine. My daughter was told she had to wear a dress every day or she couldn’t play with the other girls in the class (by this other kid)…the teacher told me the girls with older sisters tended to “set rules” and push the other girls into certain behaviors. No older sister here, but the other girl did have one. Interestingly enough, although the girls never liked each other in preschool, they became friends in elementary school and have remained on good terms even now.
It’s such a new world Michelle, and one that’s tough to balance. You don’t want to see their fragile little egos crushed, but you also want them to learn to deal with it on their own. Thanks for your insight.
It’s so sad that this happens so young. I want to say unbelievable in a “shake my head” way but I know it’s believable because 12 years ago when my daughter was in preschool this was happening. I remember her and this other little girl, clearly the leaders in the class, and clearly at odds with personality, squaring off. There was an argument and an altercation. I was appalled. The head teacher told me not to worry, she’d take care of it…and that the other girl most likely had provoked mine. My daughter was told she had to wear a dress every day or she couldn’t play with the other girls in the class (by this other kid)…the teacher told me the girls with older sisters tended to “set rules” and push the other girls into certain behaviors. No older sister here, but the other girl did have one. Interestingly enough, although the girls never liked each other in preschool, they became friends in elementary school and have remained on good terms even now.
I know what you mean, sometimes you wish your kid was away of these bad feelings of society, seems like ours is too good and the others are just silly, like don’t they have parents to teach them the lessons I teach to my kid?
It breaks my heart how kids are getting meaner and meaner. I still remember in 1st grade when I moved to a new school, the teacher asked who wanted to be my friend. 2 girls said that they would. Then one day, I was swinging during recess, and one of them came up to me and said she didn’t want to be my friend anymore. That just broke my heart. But that’s nothing compared to what they have to deal with these days.
Great post! (visiting from SITS Girls)
I know Jamie, I see some mean tendencies in my older daughter after only a month in Kindergarten. It’s not becoming and hard to reverse.
Girls are the worst for this. I rarely experience anything like this with my boys. It’s funny that you mention 10 years old. My youngest girls are 10 and I’ve noticed this kind of thing has picked up this year at school. The good news is that my college age daughter says it’s much better after you leave high school 🙂
Years ago I worked as a camp counselor with 5-year-olds entering kindergarten. There were about 5 little girls who’s families were friends and had grown up with each other, and talk about drama with the little girls (which the parents had warned us about). Every day it changed who was on the outs, it was crazy! I couldn’t believe I was seeing this cattiness with such young children. Maybe this happened when we were children, I honestly don’t remember, but it seems unbelievable to me. It sounds like your daughter’s teacher handled it very well, though! Stopping by from Sharefest.