For the past few months I’ve been dreading my birthday. Not because I don’t like to celebrate…I’m actually the total the opposite. I love any excuse to whip up a cake and feel special for the day! But this year it’s different.
This year it’s getting real.
I suppose that feeling in the pit of my stomach started around six months ago. A former Executive Producer I used to work with called to catch up one evening and asked how old I was. When I told him, he kind of freaked.
“Really? No way….REALLY?” he exclaimed. I wasn’t sure if it was because he thought I was younger, or it made him feel old knowing he had hired me right out of college 16 years ago. He went on with astonishment to add, “You better not put that on your blog, you’ll never get another job in TV.”
I think he was partially joking, but the more I thought about it, I knew he was right. It’s a shame but it’s true. In the media world how a woman looks and is perceived is sometimes just as, or more important, than the quality of work she does. It’s different with men, a double standard so to speak. But to most in television age is most definitely not just a number – it’s a death sentence for a career.
And so I worried, and fretted, and was an emotional basket case all summer. I tried to wrap my head around this next phase of my life and wondered if I’d done enough so far. If I still have enough time left to live out all of my dreams? Was I a failure because I wasn’t able to have more babies? Will I still be attractive even though I found my first gray hair and my body is changing rapidly with perimenopause?
And as I drowned in my misery, so clouded by both the fear of change and total self-awareness, I declared I wouldn’t celebrate this year. I told my husband no parties, I didn’t want anyone I work with to know how old I am. I wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening. I wanted to bury my head in the sand and make time stand still.
All the while I was being an utter hypocrite.
While I preach to our daughter’s daily to “be who you want to be”, I was doing the complete opposite. I wasn’t embracing the body that was a vessel to carry and nourish our babies, I was hating it. I wasn’t celebrating the journey I’ve had in television and feeling pride. Instead I was focusing on all I haven’t done. But then a few weeks ago it hit me.
So what. I mean seriously, so effing what?
So what if people know that I’m staring 40 in the face, literally. So what if people see that I’m aging and putting my family first? So what if I’m not a size 4 anymore and my clothes are fitting snugly these days. I am where I am because this is exactly where I’m supposed to be, and it’s time to stop fighting it. It’s time to just be, and accept that tomorrow I will turn 40.
So as I sit here today, the last day of my 30’s, I finally feel excited and am ready to celebrate the journey that I’ve had so far, and ring in this new decade! And I’d like to say those of you who tell me, “Age is just a number”, it’s not just a number. It’s more.
40 for me has been an evolution. At first it sucked, then it became somewhat bearable, but now it’s a badge of honor!
40 signifies the strength of a marriage after nearly a decade of heartache from infertility struggles. 40 means I survived and persevered through the seven years of hell of needles, surgeries, and IVF which led us to parenthood. 40 reflects the image of a woman that after 40 long years of walking, living, and breathing on this planet, still looks pretty damn good. 40 inspired me to stop trying to please others, and start my own company. 40 taught me to finally be who I want to be.
So now it’s time to walk in love and savor what’s to come. Because while they might be just numbers, years are disappearing far too quickly. And I can’t afford to waste another second thinking about the math. Now is the time to simply just live, as authentically and happily as possible.
So glad you’ve decided to embrace it! Actually after 40, you barely notice birthdays anymore…I struggle to remember my age (and not because my mind is going, but because it’s not important).
Happy Birthday Friend!
I just turned 38 and have two more years to 40, but have to admit this birthday I started to feel it, as well. But love how you put it here and trying my best too to embrace it. Happy almost 40th Birthday now 😉
Happy Big Birthday to you. Congrats on all the successes not just the professional ones but all the personal ones along the way. I’m looking forward to watching your career grow as I know it will. You are incredibly talented and have an authenticity that is relevant to all. I also can’t wait to read your family adventures as the girls grow older.
You deserve to celebrate every one of those victories! You are an amazing, strong, beautiful woman and a number is simply just a number! A BIRTHday, that is something special and should ALWAYS be celebrated! Happy 40th! Cheers!
I turned 46 this year. It bothered me for a bit because I realized it meant that I am closer to 50 than to 40.
But the truth is I think of myself as being in my twenties. I don’t look or dress that way, but I definitely don’t feel old. It really is all in how you approach it.
Happy early Birthday and good for you! I love everything about this post!!
I hope you have a wonderful birthday. What matters is not your age but how you feel. 🙂 You have a lot to celebrate!
40 is going to look beautiful on you Kristen! I’m about to turn 38 and I remember weeping when I turned 30. (In my defense I had a colicky two week old.) You look awesome, you’re an accomplished journalist, writer, and producer. You rock!
it’s annoying to hear people say – it’s just a number… but it is! you are so much more than your age. i think you know that!
Beautiful and embraceable. If that’s what 40 looks like, count me in. I remember not being afraid of 30 five years ago, because I was married, in Northampton, and had a one-year-old baby. I think it could have felt different. And now at 35, there are two kids, and the mere starts to two careers I was afraid to launch at 25, or even 30.
So bring it, life.
Happy Birthday!!
I work in senior living, so I can tell you….40 is young! 🙂 It’s the prime of your life. Enjoy it!
I cannot tell you enough how much I love this post!! Happy Birthday, I hope you have a blast!
Happy Birthday to you! You are lovely inside and out!
I think you are going into 40 with an awesome attitude. You have to look at all you have accomplished so far in this (relatively) short time — cause if you think about it, 40 is pretty darn young! And with those years comes wisdom and maturity that will only continue to grow. Happy 40th birthday, I think it is a milestone worth celebrating!
I am wishing you a happy birthday (and will be sharing this post) because I saw you on Periscope tonight. You’re a beautiful person inside and out and age is really just an effing number. My two wonderful boys were born when I was 42. I will be 49 next week and my forties have taken my places I have never expected to go. I, too, cried when I was 30 and 40 was kind of like…eh…I’m here…but never would I have expected to be here at almost 49 when I was standing where you are. Your forties can bring wonderful things…and I am sure they will! xo
Thank you so much Jill, means the world to me. Can’t wait to read your 49 post too!
Cheers to turning 40!! You look amazing and have accomplished so much!!! Happy Birthday. With every new year we realize there are new things to be excited about. Your children grow, family bonds grow deeper, & you really will loose track of time. Age really is just a number… It is all about how you feel about where you are in life, and you seem to have it all together 😉
I know we slightly touched on this subject the other day on my Unboxing SeptemberScopers broadcast and I am so glad I’m seeing this! You are giving me a new way to look at my last year of my 30’s. And you’re totally right! So freaking what!? Life is way too short to be worrying about a number and worrying about just leads to less living, so to heck with it! Live in the moment and enjoy !! And Happy Birthday, I hope you have a smashing party!
This might be my favorite article yet. Im so proud of you for embracing and celebrating your journey. It only gets better; I am certain. Happy birthday! Can’t wait to help you bring it in:)
You’ve got it all right here! I am sorry you had someone tell you something like that about your age. I see my age as a strength. I have learned so much in my past 38 years. I am smarter, stronger and wiser because of those years and I found the love of a lifetime. Age is so much more than a number, so much more than a a resume. It means you have lived and for you, living a life worthwhile. There is still lots more to come, for sure. So now go get em girl!
I’m about to turn 46 and really, I don’t think the number matters. It is all about how you act and how you see yourself. No don’t feel 46 in most respects but it’s nice when your 17 yo’s friends think you’re 10 years younger because you’re so “fun”! I almost always forget how old I am! Truth!!
I say, forget how old you are in numbers and live happily! A smile always melts the years away! ?
I need what you’re drinking!
Wonderful post. I’m in the last year of my 30’s, but I’m feeling better than I have in years . I hope you have a wonderful birthday! You have so much to celebrate.
I loved every word of this because I think even the best of us struggle with age milestones. I love how full circle this is and I loved seeing your party last night. Take it easy today xo
Happy Birthday! I will be 40 in a few years and I’m starting to feel a little older lately. But you’re right, age is just a number and I’m embracing it. You look great!
I so enjoyed celebrating with you last night! Embrace and enjoy your 40’s because before you know it you will be facing “60”. In hindsight I wish I had appreciated that decade and believe me, it flies by! You certainly are a beautiful, strong and brilliant YOUNG woman! Celebrate yourself every day!!
It was SO great catching up! I need to text you too!
Way to embrace your age! I embrace my age too! I don’t care if I am getting older. I have earned each and every year!
I’m all about embracing my age. It’s so funny because all of my friends in FL refuse to tell there age, even at there birthday parties just claim its there 100th lol. Here in NY people just say there age which I just love. I feel we earn to rock whatever age we are and we should just totally soak it all in! Happy Birthday gurlieeee 🙂
Happy Birthday! I love this post and I really needed to read it. My 46th birthday is in a few weeks. I felt so good just before my 40th, ready to kick the decades ass. But many years later (eeekkk), I’m struggling, wondering if I have enough time left to live out my dreams. I struggle with trying to figure out who I want to be. I should know by now, right? Ugh…
Thank you and I TOTALLY know how you feel. I still don’t know what I want to be…and that’s ok! Now we just need to learn how to be….
I hope you had a wonderful birthday! You’re an inspiration for more than just your girls. Love the positive attitude; especially since you shared your struggle to get there. And you know what, 40 gets younger for me every single day.
Happy birthday to you! 40 is a deep revelation of surviving those struggles in your 20’s, existing in those moments of WTF in the 30’s. Like you I dreaded it and then I fully embraced it because my eyes are wide open and I will no longer live them half shut. ?
I loved turning 40. But now I’ll soon be 48 and 50 feels different. I so need to get to where you are now. I’ve never worried before :\
Happy Birthday
Oh no! 50 would be a big adjustment! Hang in there!