Sometimes there are nights that take you to the brink. When you are completely exhausted, your bones ache and you desperately want to sleep, but you can’t because your children need you. And their needs are more important than your own.
Your eyes sting with tears, you feel hopeless, frightened, worried and utterly defeated. It’s happened to all of us at every stage. First with infancy and the incessant crying that can’t be comforted. Or older with teething or other illness. And then for some of us, there are the overtired spells of screaming all night, and nothing we do can stop them.
Our oldest has always been a screamer. She cried and cried and cried as a newborn. First, we thought it was reflux after she came home from the NICU and never slept. Then was it colic? We rocked her, I nursed her, wore her in a sling, ran the vacuum, even tried the blasted pacifier, but nothing could appease her. It wasn’t until she was five months old that we understood she was overtired, and the frequent night wakings were because of her extreme exhaustion. We put her on a strict schedule and sleep trained with an early bedtime and things improved.
But still, there are those times when things don’t go perfectly.
Fast forward five years and the night wakings are still happening, especially when there are transitions in her life. Her dad is on the road and I let her stay up late for the Super Bowl. Couple that with a cold and her grandmother visiting, and this child’s sensory system is overloaded. One occupational therapist diagnosed her with sensory processing disorder. Another said it was just behavioral. Whatever it is when her schedule is off, so is she.
And she wakes. And she cries. And she screams a sound so loud and forlorn that it makes your blood turn cold. And there’s nothing I can do to help her.
I can’t rock her. I can’t take her into another room and turn on the lights or the TV to snap her out of these crying jags. The shower won’t wake her either. The violent and traumatic screaming is terrifying for the whole house, but there’s nothing I can do but wait.
I sit outside her door, I pace the hallways praying she finds some peace and comfort, I text my husband and ask for strength and support, but she still cries. Trapped between a state of sleep and the present.
Suddenly though the wailing will stop, sometimes after 10 minutes, sometimes an hour. I tiptoe back to her room to see if she’s asleep. On this night she’s awake and she says, “Leave me, alone mama.” I try to hug her but she pushes me away. “Lila why were you screaming? Can I help you?”
“I’m sorry mommy, I don’t know why. My throat hurts.”
I bring her water and gently kiss her forehead before she pushes me away again. My heart shatters into a thousand pieces as I desperately want to hug her and give her all my love. I want her to know she’s not alone and that I can help her. But she doesn’t want me.
Sometimes we can’t fix everything, kiss the boo boo’s and make it all better. We can’t take their pain away, or give them the comfort they need. All we can do is be there when they’re ready for us.
A few minutes later she said, “Will you hug me now?” I held her as tight as I possibly could and whispered, “I love you, no matter what.”
No matter what I’ll be there, to hold her hand, take care of her when she’s sick, or listen to her scream when she can’t sleep in the wee hours of the morning. Because that’s what moms do until she doesn’t need me anymore. I pray that day never comes, but until then, I thank God I’m her mom.
No matter what.
This is heart wrenching and beautiful! Every mom can feel the pain you’re going through. But listen, she will ALWAYS need you. Always. No matter how old she is. We all need our moms.
Hang in there, mama. I know it is hard. I’ve been there too. She knows you are there for her.
Sometimes all you can do it be there. It’s hard to see your child hurting in any capacity. My thoughts are with you!
Beautifully said. It is so heart wrenching to see your child in pain. Physical, emotional it doesn’t matter. My kids are 19 & 22 and I am still “No Matter What.”
It’s so hard! Especially when we have no idea why something is happening. I feel your pain, Kristen and yes, as parents we should be there. No matter what.
Ugh!! That is so hard! I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this! HUG
This post is SO SWEET! My second baby is a screamer and although it’s not as bad now…I understand what you mean, completely!! Your’e a great Mommy.
Got to tell you, I was choking back tears reading this and we had colic too back in the day with our first, Emma. She now almost 6 years old and usually a pretty good sleeper now, but the other night she just wouldn’t fall asleep and then realized that we let her stay up a bit later for the Super Bowl as my husband and brother were watching and she didn’t want to leave them. And then the next day she had chocolate milk about 2 hours before bed time. So, finally it dawned on me that she was over tired. But like you as crazy as it gets, I truly hope there never comes a day that either of my girls won’t need me either.
The nights have been hard around here too ever since our dog died last month. I remember my mom always telling me when I was little that ‘things always seem worse’ at night. And sure enough, there’s always brightness in the morning, but that doesn’t make those nights any easier.
I’m sorry! It can be so hard! Hang in there! It will be better tomorrow!
OH MY – and hugs to YOU, mama. My heart aches as I read this. The powerlessness you must have felt – and we all feel when our kids as sad, but there is nothing we can do. I am sorry…
whoa! Deep and beautiful. I can certainly relate. My older one is a good sleeper but he does get night terrors when he is overtired or sugared up.
Is that what this is Tara? Night terrors?
This just made me tear up… what a beautiful post! My daughter is a terrible sleeper and it is not getting any better.. I feel like I am going to be in this exhausted state forever at this point!
I know – it’s so tough at night isn’t it? Hang in there…
So heart-wrenching. So beautiful.
Scarlet’s always been more calm and serene, well as a baby anyway, but every now and then I’m reminded of how much she needs and how much I will give her.
And Des was a bit more difficult, but I’m always going to be there for him.
Beautiful post. So much of your feelings struck a cord with me. As a mom to a child with OCD (who has hallucinations & nightmares, symptoms of the disorder), I understand that helpless feeling you have as a parent when all you can do is sit and wait with open arms.
Those episodes must be so incredibly heartbreaking for you. Hope the crying fits diminish and there are only cuddles and hugs in the future!
Oh this was a tear-jerker post! That quote is just beautiful at the end. I haven’t read all the comments, but could your daughter be having night terrors? My brothers used to get them when we were little and nothing could snap them out of it. I think they tend to happen when kids are overtired and I do think they grow out of it eventually. I could be way off though. Sending virtual hugs your way!
I never knew if they were night terrors Tricia. I’m not sure…but you are the 2nd person to bring that up so I’ll investigate for sure!
Oh wow, this is tough. I am so very sorry. I have one who occasionally has night terrors and they are horrible, gut wrenching, awful things. I do the same you do and blearily wait it out. Hugs to you and your sweet girl.
see… we have ALL been there!
This is just so beautiful… such a true testimony to what we moms endure in our motherhood journey through all the ages and stages of our children’s trials. Bless your mama heart… such a vivid description of your sweetie’s screams while you pace the hallway. My son had night terrors much like this, until he was about that age. Nothing I could do, but listen and quietly scream to myself as well.
Your words reach my heart, and touch it deeply.
(It’s SO wonderful to meet you.)
So nice to meet you as well and thanks for the kind words. I thought they might be night terrors too, but my mom said they are not nearly as bad as my brothers. this too shall pass right?!
So well written. I’m in the throes of this now with my 9yo. Hard time emotionally and he’s sick. I am wrecked. So exhausted I can barely breathe. I locked myself in my bedroom for a time out last night just to calm down. It’s so hard. But, you sound like you’re doing it with grace and love.
I’m trying Jenny, with all my might. Good luck to you!
This is so sweet and beautiful. I’m not a mother–but I do remember my mom– loving on me and holding me when I had Night Terrors. Lasted until I was about 12…. but she was the only one who could comfort me! Love this!
Oh no! Sounds awful – it’s hard but worth it.
Ohmygosh, poor thing! She sounds a lot like my son. He goes 0-60 and is often inconsolable and always has been.
So I understand. It’s tough. This is beautiful!
This is such a powerful piece. It’s beautifully written and had me in tears for so many reasons. I want to say “this too shall pass.” But maybe it won’t and that is why letting your kid (and mine/all of ours) know that we love them no matter what is so important. Thanks for the new mantra.
Thank you!
Oh my goodness, that is tough for a parent to handle. My son had GERD and would cry for hours as a baby. Luckily, around 2 1/2 he finally got better. Hang in there!
Just broke my heart. My Zoe has done this occasionally. Utterly inconsolable and sometimes it doesn’t even seem like she’s really awake. Can be scary. Once, when she was awake, but had definitely woken in a bad mood and just kept crying and crying, I was at the end of my rope myself and just said, “Can’t you just calm down?” And she said, “I don’t know how.” Just killed me. Then she let me hold her and I said, “Let’s just breathe.”