Hello, my name is Kristen, and I’m a perfectionist. It’s been 3 hours, 21 minutes, and 19 seconds since I’ve last cleaned something, written in my planner, or obsessed over an insignificant detail. Yes, I am the one who paints behind the refrigerator that no one on earth will see, but I’ll always know it’s there. Maybe it’s because I’m a Virgo, maybe it’s because I grew up in a clean and tidy home, or maybe it’s just how I’m wired. But never in a million years did I think it would manifest itself into my daughter. Yet now we are faced with a wonderful overachiever who needs things to be perfect.
“Perfection is an illusion, it doesn’t exist baby,” I told her one morning. Yeah….that didn’t fly. We were in the middle of what I like to call ‘Bangs-aggedon’…that time every morning when her bangs won’t lay perfectly. It’s a maelstrom of fury as we try to placate her and help her with her hair for school. Or maybe it’s when she can’t make her bed and get the covers just so. Or when she’s drawing and the perspective of the eyes just isn’t right. Whatever it is….the inevitable has occurred…massive MOM GUILT.
“You taught me this mommy! It has to be perfect.” Yes, I may have done this inadvertently, and now it’s my job to try to reverse it. But how does one help a little girl who has such a need for order? Here are some interesting articles sent to me by a friend that may help if you have a perfectionist and aren’t sure where to turn.
Is Your Child a Perfectionist? – The Parent Map
10 Ways to Help Your Perfectionist – Education.com
6 Strategies for Soothing a Perfectionist – Scholastic.com
And here’s what we have tried so far, and surprisingly, seen some quick positive changes in her behavior.
One of our favorite books to read about making mistakes.
TIPS FOR HELPING PERFECTIONISM IN KIDS
- Praise the effort instead of the final result. – We always gush over her drawings (which are spectacular), but rarely focus on the process. Now we are trying things like, “I love how focused you are on trying to draw Elsa.” Or “Wow that’s an interesting way to color!” Yesterday when we were reading at bedtime, instead of praising her for reading a whole book, I told her how impressed I was that she was trying to sound out the words.
- Distract and divert during tantrum.—This may not be a easy, especially in the morning when we are in a time crunch. But inspired by this discussion in the Bundoo community we tried deep breaths this morning, and I changed my reaction. It was a calm, less stressful, and almost peaceful start to our day.
- Model imperfect behavior. – Yes you read that correctly, and I’m cringing typing this. But maybe I need to show her the mistakes I make. On television sometimes I stutter, I am not always the nicest when I’m sleepy, and my bed is totally messy under the duvet. You know, be real!
- Books on the topic. – As Wyatt on Super Why says, “when we have a problem, we look in a book!” My husband found this lovely title given to us above called “Beautiful Oops.” It’s the exact reminder us perfectionists need to remember…when you mess it up, dress it up!
Parenting is a journey, and here’s an important lesson I’ve learned now that I’m a little bit older, a tad wiser, and a mother:
Now if only I can remember this the next time we are painting a room in our home.
Are you a perfectionist?
This is a great post! Even for those of us who don’t have perfectionist kids, those tips are good to remember. I just read an article on Bundoo about things you shouldn’t say to your kids and one of them was, “You’re so smart.” I’m certainly guilty of that. I guess I need to start praising the effort rather than the result!
My daughter is a perfectionist as well. She has a nervous break down in the craft project she is working on isn’t perfect. She has to have everything just so. No idea where she gets it… I am by no means a perfectionist I’m a it’s work go with it person. 🙂 Great tips to work with.
Oh Becka – it really is hard! I hope this helps you, and the links included! They have really helped me…
Love this! I am also a Virgo… however I am a total slob. I think I was born in the wrong month! 😉
ooooh…when’s your birthday? Mine’s the 19th! Wish I could be a slob!
Hello Kristen my name is Jennifer and I am a recovering perfectionist 🙂 I still want to be a perfectionist, but with all of the humans and animals running amok in my house all with the intent of trying to destroy my ideas for a perfect world, well perfection has taken a back seat. I still clean obsessively and vacuum and plan A LOT….
Great tips for helping out our perfection seeking offspring, I have a few who try to emulate that particular Mom trait!
Love it Jen! I guess you could say I’m recovering as well! Glad to hear I am in good company…
I think I am a perfectionist! It comes out in weird ways. I don’t like to rock the boat or have anyone not like me. I do get crazy about kid messes and it’s SO HARD not to just start cleaning WHILE they’re playing.
Then I wonder what kind of message that sends.
It’s a cycle!
I used to worry about that Tamara – now I try not to worry. I clean up all the time too, we are who we are!
such good points. my mom was basically told she had to be perfect growing up and she went so overboard it’s a huge huge problem now, luckily, for me, being perfect come easy. ha! super kidding about that.
Absolutely! And so is my oldest – oh joy! I love focusing on the effort instead of the result…..I think the way I was raised, I’m predisposed to focus on the result. It ain’t done right until it’s done right, right? Well now my 8 year old is trying to write a novel and is constantly upset because she can’t get Chapter 3 right or draw unicorn’s tail just right. Love this post! Thank you for sharing!
I’m with you Jen – my 5 year old erases her drawings hundreds of times…we are a work in progress over here!
This is a tough one. I am an OCD clean freak, that said it is a closet problem, I do it all after they have left for the day…. I try to be discreet about it.
I have raised two little slobs, but I love those slobs. The oldest never cared about much, until these last two years in school and attaining the grades she needed to get into a good college.
She obsessed on them and at first I was overjoyed…. Then I realized that it just wasn’t healthy and we talked. I said as long as she tried, the grade didn’t matter. The good grades have kept on coming, but there is a much better, healthier attitude behind those grades.
She got into San Francisco State, into the English major Creative Writing Program, with a minor in marketing and communications….. So excited for her and her healthy attitude 🙂
You are on the correct path with the 5 year old.
As i have always said to my athletic sports driven kids, no matter the win or loose, I love to come and SEE you enjoy the sport of your choice. Be passionate, not obsessive about it 🙂
I’m laughing because I wish I was like you! I make them clean up right away…totally working on this. I think we need a happy hour and you can give me some good mommy advice!