It started in October when our six year old came home from first grade in tears. Girls were being mean, saying mean things, and making her feel terrible. I thought about talking to the teacher, but let’s be real, people all over the world can be unkind. We all can be even when we try not to.
It can be that snipe at our husband in the morning before our morning coffee.
Or the negativity towards are children when we yell, “Why didn’t you put your toys away…again!?”
Or even a thought or negative self-talk we have with ourselves.
No matter how hard we try to focus on the positive, life and all its stresses can easily get in the way of total happiness. So after a week of tears every day after school from a mean girl, I asked my daughter, “Instead of getting angry at her, have you tried to be kind. Maybe ignore the mean behavior for a week, and try to give her a compliment every day.”
I know it’s hard advice, especially for a six year old to follow. But the phrase “kill them with kindness” has been around forever, so there has to be something to it right? We talked about it over the weekend after her bad week at school.
“What compliments can you give her this week? You like her bow in her hair…or she drew a nice picture…or maybe you like her lunchbox?”, I asked.
She was hesitant at first, but on the drive to school I reminded her to find a new friend to sit with at lunch, and if the same girl was mean to her, ignore her, walk away, and later that day try to compliment her.
Every day after school she told me the compliments she’d bestowed not only to the mean girl, but other friends as well. She complimented their handwriting, their reading, and even their performance in music class. After sitting next to other friends at lunch all week at school, the girl who was once mean started coming around. She started asking our daughter to sit next to her again at lunch, and was paying compliments to others as well.
The kindness was rubbing off, and the little experiment was working…and instead of tears after school we saw smiles. Sure I’m a little leery of the shaky friendship forming, but this is something our children will experience at every stage of life.
During this winter break though, I’ve noticed unkindness brewing between our daughters. It’s hard for kids to be together all day without little tussles and a light bulb went on when I thought, “why not try complimenting each other every day?” So we have.
All of us take turns at dinner, or even when we’re frustrated with each other, to diffuse the negativity. I’ve been told I’m pretty, I make good mac n’ cheese, and my teeth are white. But it doesn’t really matter what the praise is, just making the time to say something nice about each other has really made this time over the holidays so much sweeter. And easier as a parent!
It’s also made me realize as a mother I’m focusing too much on what our girls aren’t doing, and not enough on the positive. So while I don’t really love resolutions since they’re so hard to keep, I’m going to do our best to make 2016 the year of compliments. It takes no time, is easy, and reminds us all to be more kind and see the positive traits in each other.
Cheers to 2016, we are hoping it’s a much kinder year full of love, laughter, and compliments!
I love this! I give my son the same advice and it always works! That is a great goal to have for the year and I will kick it off by saying that I LOVE your blog and I think you have fabulous content and advice and I can’t wait to see all the amazing things you accomplish in 2016! 🙂
You rock mama! Thanks for the kind words, and I will say that you influence me with your posts everyday. Thanks for all you do not only in your writing, but your immense support of others. You are a shining example of how we can all better empower each other!
Love this idea. I hate when little girls are mean to each other. Sounds like you’re planting the kindness seed early and that’s never wrong. Happy New Year!
Happy new Year to you as well!
A resolution I can totally support! Love this. What a fabulous idea! We really do need to teach our children to both give and receive compliments. I am pretty bad at receiving them still. This might help. Happy 2016 to you and yours my friend. I look forward to watching all the cute you share about your family this year and your great posts.
This is so wonderful! Often little kids (and adults) are mean as coping mechanism for their own insecurities. I love that your daughter reached out to that girl who was being mean. I think I may have to adopt your resolution to compliment more. Thank you!
Thanks Tricia and happy new year! Can’t wait to see what 2016 has in store for you! Thanks for keeping my fitness goals on track – you motivate me more than you know!
That’s good work. I’ve heard of folks forcing themselves to smiling even when they’re sad. Eventually the forced smile becomes the real deal and the person feels much better.
What great advice, and I’m so glad it worked for your daughter. Maybe the mean girl was just sad or grumpy and your daughter cheered her up. Have an awesome 2016!
The mean girls thing drives me crazy, but I love the conversations you have with your daughter.
Scarlet has a very close best friend at school and I do think their relationship threatens other kids sometimes. There’s a girl in first grade, but not their class, who can be mean to them at recess. I asked Scarlet what she says/does about it, and she said that she looked this girl straight in the eye and said, “You’re pretty.”
The other girl sort of sputtered and walked away.
I love that story. Who teaches her this stuff?? Not me! Maybe it’s you.
Yes, I’ve been trying to do this in my own life. It’s amazing to see how people respond to kindness!!! BTW, I think this was some great Mama advice you gave to your girls!! Well done!!
Thank you! It’s not easy – this parenting stuff is it?
What a fantastic idea! Our girls have been getting on each others’ nerves as well. Definitely going to try to add this to our nightly dinner routine!
this is so awesome! I bet the “mean girl” really needed those kind words from your daughter.
Awww what a sweet concept! I love it! My girls are horrific to one another but my 3-year-old is kinda just starting to develop the concept of empathy. My 9-year-old gets it and is much better about showing grace under fire.
I think your parenting advice is way better than mine – I was severely bullied until I hit the 8th grade and as such, I tell my kid to defend the crap outta herself, tell the other kid to take a hike, and keep her beautiful, strong head up. I think your idea is much nicer and likely more effective….hahah!
Thank you! I don’t think my advice is better, just different!